How to Overcome an "Expectation Hangover" - An Interview with Christine Hassler

Learning how to transform disappointment is something worth getting good at. My soul sister Christine Hassler calls that curing an “Expectation Hangover”.

I love Christine. She’s been so helpful for me on my journey. And she also has some of my favorite wisdom on the planet. Today I’m celebrating the release of Christine’s newest book, Expectation Hangover.

So I decided to ask her some questions to help you, me, and the rest of our Sensophy community get great at rocking this wisdom!

I’ve heard it said that “we teach what we most needed to learn.” Why did you decide to write a book on Expectation Hangovers?

After ten years of being a coach, facilitator, author and speaker, I have observed that people’s largest source of suffering is when their reality does not match their expectations. I know that is how it has been for me – so yes, I am my own best client and reader, having had SO many of my own expectation hangovers. From a very young age I placed a tremendous amount of pressure on myself to be wildly successful, and relentlessly pushed myself to some imagined future that I believed would finally make me feel worthy. I did this because I was desperately insecure after enduring years of teasing and rejection from my peers.

By 25, I was working as a television literary agent at one of the most prestigious entertainment companies and seemingly “had it all” including the hot boyfriend, size 2 figure and fabulous lifestyle. There was just one problem: I was absolutely miserable. I was working so hard to compensate for my insecurities by chasing achievement and external validation. Things were just not turning out like I expected. To save myself from a total meltdown, I quit.

Leaving my prestigious career changed my external circumstances; however, I still found myself miserable. Over the course of two years I went thousands of dollars into debt, was diagnosed with an “unknown auto-immune disorder,” had a disagreement with my mother that made us not speak for nearly a year, and got dumped by a fiancé I believed was my soulmate six months before our wedding. Hello, expectation hangover – and that was just my twenties!!

I realized I had two choices: I could throw in the towel, move home and try to forget about the life I had failed at, OR I could dig into my disappointment and mine for the lessons. As it turns out, this massive Expectation Hangover was the catalyst for doing some of the deepest personal growth work I have ever done, that led to effortlessly stepping onto a career path that I absolutely love . . . go figure.

I wrote this book for three key reasons:

• I am called to share how I’ve not only healed but leveraged my own disappointment.
• I’m committed to easing suffering on the planet. I know within every expectation hangover is a HUGE growth and healing opportunity.
• We hear many inspirational stories about people who have overcome huge obstacles and are now living happily-ever-after lives. But how did they get to the happy part? We often hear the “before” and “after” story, but what about the middle part? I wanted to master the “middle” part and then teach others to do the same.

And now at 35, as I sit down to write this book, it should be noted that I am once again looking at a life that looks nothing like my plans. In other words, I just got to the other side of another huge Expectation Hangover – a divorce at age 33 – just like I was when I sat down to write my first book.

One of the best pieces of advice I received when going through my divorce was when someone said to me, “Christine, milk this time for all it’s worth.” So that is exactly what I did. I milked my latest Expectation Hangover of a marriage that was a perceived failure, letting go of financial security and having no children despite hearing the loud tick-tock of my biological clock. And I’m happier now than I’ve ever been before, despite not having any of the external things I expected at this point in my life.

What I realized is that I am one of the best people to be teaching about Expectation Hangovers because I learned how to move through each one, leverage my learnings, and walk through those doorways of transformation that were opening all around me. I’m called to share how I got here, how I’ve freed myself from suffering even when my life doesn’t look like I hoped it would, and how I consistently create miracles in my life. One of the main keys is this: The cure to Expectation Hangovers is NOT to somehow figure out another way to get what we thought we wanted, but rather move out of our own way enough to see what we really need.

When most of us get a regular hangover, we cure it with greasy food, a painkiller and perhaps a crappy Rom-Com. I’m guessing that many people also use these to cure their Expectation Hangovers as well – only to end up with disastrous results! So what exactly IS an Expectation Hangover, and what’s the best way to deal with it?

I define an Expectation Hangover® as:

“The myriad of undesirable feelings or thoughts present when one or a combination of the following things occurs:

• A desired outcome does not occur
• A desired outcome does occur but does not produce the feelings or results we expected
• Our personal and/or professional expectations are unmet by ourselves or another
• An undesired, unexpected event occurs that is in conflict with what we want or planned

The symptoms are similar, but far more miserable and lasting, to those caused by a hangover from alcohol: lethargy, depression, lack of motivation, confusion, denial, anger, poor work performance, diminished creativity, strained relationships, social withdrawal, low self-esteem, regret and a disconnection from a Higher Power.

So how do you treat Expectation Hangovers? Well you’re right – a burger and Rom-Com doesn’t do the trick. 😉 First let’s look at what NOT to do…because we don’t like not feeling good, we look for an external way to ease the discomfort. Rebound relationships, abrupt career changes, miscalculated risks, “over-ing” in the form of drinking, gambling, sex, drugs, work, or shopping so much so that it may create an addiction, and numbing oneself with something like television are all common.

The first step to treating your Expectation Hangover is to get yourself out of any kind of victim-thinking. Asking, “Why is this happening to me” is the wrong question to ask. Ask instead, “What am I learning?’ and “How is this happening for me?” That simple shift in questioning will rescue you from sinking into the quicksand of victimhood and hopelessness.

The treatment plan in Expectation Hangover is incredibly comprehensive and offers you tools on the emotional, mental, behavioral and spiritual level because I have learned that only this kind of comprehensive treatment plan truly works. I wish I could say there were shortcuts, but if you really want to heal and stop repeating similar expectation hangovers, you gotta do the work.

 What are some of the best ways you’ve found to prevent Expectation Hangovers?

There is an entire section in the book called “Quick-fixes that work” in terms of preventing disappointment, so I’ll share my two favorites:

• Don’t go to a Chinese restaurant when you are craving nachos. In other words, be realistic about your expectations of others. Too often we expect people to act the way we desire or the way we would in a situation, when they are just not capable or willing. Period. End of story. You can’t change them. When we understand we cannot change people, and accept them rather than expect something from them, we prevent expectation hangovers.
• Gorge on gratitude. Expectation hangovers happen when we pay too much attention to what is either not happening at all or not happening in the way we’d like it to. When we shift our focus to the amazing things in our lives – people, health, a place to live, and all the unexpected wonderful surprises the Universe delivers on a daily basis, we move out of a lack-mentality and into an abundant view of the world.

 I never met anyone who was rockin’ it in the world but also loved missing their goals. What advice do you have for finding the lessons in our mistakes, rather than fixating on this notion of “failure”?

It’s really quite simple: Stop judging yourself. I see WAY too many people who buy into the misunderstanding that being hard on oneself is an effective form of motivation. It’s not. Sure, it may push you to get things done but you are doing them while carrying around a belief that you are a failure, which is seriously going to slow down your manifesting mojo. I talk about acceptance and forgiveness a LOT in the book because judgment and self-criticism are pervasive human habits that we need to liberate ourselves from. A simple thing you can do right now is say to yourself, “I forgive myself for judging myself. I did the best I could.” Then write out all the things you learned from the so-called mistake and move forward with self-acceptance.

When people are scared, they often try to control things. But the universe works in magical ways when we learn to surrender. What advice do you have for finding the balance between surrender and achievement – especially when we’re scared?

Ah….here we are talking about uncertainty which is SUPER scary. I notice most of us are addicted to control and one of the main lessons that expectation hangovers teach is that we don’t have any! Sure we have choice and influence, but not 100% control.

Surrender is one of those sexy spiritual words that is a pain in the you-know-what to practice when we are not getting what we want. We don’t like it when the Universe seems to miss the memo on how we think things should be — in fact, it’s the very thing that challenges our faith the most. But the truth is, the Universe doesn’t miss anything. Your Expectation Hangover has brought you to your own personal wall, the edge of what you knew yourself to be. Instead of focusing on how big the obstacle is, or how impossible something may seem, lay down your will and surrender to the will of something greater. That may be God, or the Divine, or the Source, or Spirit, or Allah — the name doesn’t matter; all that matters is that you connect back with your Higher Power.

Does surrendering mean we hand everything over to a Higher Power and just sit around waiting for destiny to knock at our door? No! As we are spiritual beings having a human experience, surrender is often a process of letting things happen naturally while being attuned to the feedback we are getting from the Universe. I call this “proactive surrender.” Proactive surrender is very different from either resignation or control: it does not mean giving up and doing nothing at all, nor does it mean fighting against reality, attempting to force things to happen.

And when it comes to achievement, allow yourself to be led. There is SO MUCH internal guidance when we are willing to let go and listen.

Society is constantly bombarding us with messages saying that we should be rich, famous, and hot – and then we’ll be happy. We know that these expectations are crap – what other expectations should we watch out for? And are there any expectations which are worth having?! If so, which ones?

I hear ya Jacob! Boy do we ever live in a society that focuses too much on what we have, do, and whom we are with (although I do feel the consciousness of the planet is shifting which is SUPER exciting!) An important thing to do when you are investigating your expectations is ask, “Whose want/desire/expectation is this? Does it truly belong to me?” So many of the expectations we cling to aren’t even ours!

Expectations are illusive and preloaded with the possibility of disappointment. Instead of expectations, create intentions and agreements and make choices based on your values. Move toward your intentions with high involvement but low attachment. Create clear agreements with yourself and others. And allow your core values to inspire you.

When we’re dealing with massive disappointment or self-judgment in our lives, it’s easy to feel like we’re the only ones going through this. What advice do you have for someone who’s feeling isolated in this process?

Reach out for support and be vulnerable. Being raw and real in front of others is another important part of healing your Expectation Hangover on the emotional level. Riding the waves of our emotions alone can get lonely and prevents us from receiving the healing energy of compassion from others. Anything we keep inside because we judge it as dark is transformed the moment we bring it into the light. In moments of vulnerability, when we are being fully authentic by sharing our innermost experience, healing can occur.

Also, the loneliness of Expectation Hangovers can propel us into establishing or deepening a relationship with a Higher Power. Most human beings experience longing. We think it’s a longing for a soul mate or a life purpose, but ultimately, we all long to feel the connection to Spirit that we were born with.

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If you dig the post, I suggest you grab a copy of Expectation Hangover!

Drop a comment below and Christine will come respond to some!